We have experienced a significant amount of bereavement as a church family recently. A few of us have said goodbye to precious family members. In some cases it was something we were preparing for but in others it came as a total shock. Last week, we were hit with the news that someone who has been a huge part of our church community had died whilst in hospital. For most of us, this news came completely unexpectedly.
We are a young church and so our experience this past year of so much grief is new to us and losing someone from among us newer still. Here are some thoughts I shared on how we grieve together. I hope these will be helpful to others in similar circumstances.
Allowing and accepting the full range of emotions
With death and grief come a whole host of feelings and responses including numbness, deep sadness and tears, regret, guilt even and anger. In the past, people attempted to order these emotions and responses into a grieving process with stages working through shock and sadness, anger, guilt, an attempt to negotiate and finally acceptance. However, it is now generally recognised that we all grieve differently to each other and at different times. There is no set pattern or order and sometimes we will return to previous emotions and responses, sometimes we will feel a mixture of emotions all at the same time. It is important to give each other permission and space to grieve.
Some of us will struggle with anxiety and depression. If you have suffered with these things in the past, you may fee particularly vulnerable to them right now, like an old wound has been opened or a previous fracture point has been hit with new trauma. Some of us will experience grief as a trauma that triggers emotional health issues for the first time. Anxiety can increase if we are worried about particular medical conditions and the risk to us if we are related. It can be a good thing to book in with your GP if you are struggling.
Encountering Anger
Perhaps you are experiencing anger at the moment and this has surprised and confused you. Is this the right emotion to be feeling? Shouldn’t we as Christians shun anger? First of all, it is helpful to keep remembering that there are not right, or wrong emotions and that anger is a recognised common emotion at this time. It’s important though that we are able to identify where our anger is coming from and who it is identified at. Anger at ourselves may come with guilt if we believe we’ve failed or let someone down. It can be directed at others and we may be tempted to blame them. This is where we need God’s grace.
I remember someone saying once that it is Christians of all people who can and should be angry at death. This is because we recognise that death is an enemy. We know that death came into the world through sin (Romans 5). God made this world good and perfect, he made us to live for ever with him. Death interrupts that. It reminds us of the evil of sin and the pain of living in a fallen world. For us, death may have “lost its sting” in that it no longer represents judgement to the believer but there is still great pain in it.
Remembering and giving thanks
With the loss of a beloved family member or friend we will have lots and lots of precious memories. Grieving is a time for remembering, for talking, crying and laughing. That’s why we give space at funerals for eulogies where we talk about what they meant to us and others. There is a beautiful example of this in the Bible when David laments the deaths of Saul and Jonathan (2 Samuel 1:17-27).
Questioning
Bereavement can throw up all kinds of questions too. First, we may have questions about suffering, why is there illness and death at all? Secondly, it may raise questions about healing and why it seems that some people are healed and others aren’t. At the moment, it’s not philosophical answers that we want or need and this is perhaps not the time to attempt such answers. What I find helpful to know is that God is our good, heavenly father and he is big enough to handle all of our emotions and questions.
Sometimes we know that our loved one made a clear profession of faith in Jesus, sometimes we do not know and so we may have big questions about where they are now. It is important that we do not seek to give ourselves false hope. There will be times when we simply won’t know. However, this also means that we do not know if they were able to make their peace with God quietly, even in their final few hours. Abraham described the Lord as “The judge of all the earth” who will “do right”. We trust our loved ones to God’s bountiful mercy.
Choosing between fear and faith
Death challenges us about how we view death ourselves. Am I afraid of dying? It’s okay to admit that sometimes we struggle with fear, this can be fear of the dying process, of what getting sick might be like. But also, sometimes there may be sense that we at some point will have to take a step into something unknown, something we have not been able to see ahead to.
I have personally found it a big help to have been present when faithful believers have died. We rightly talk about them going home. My own experience of being with my mum in her last couple of days was that mum didn’t have to take that step on her own and trust that she would be caught on the other side. Rather, we were very aware that Jesus had come to meet her in the hospital room. He was with her through that last journey.
There is a sense in which we choose though between fear and faith. This means knowing and having assurance of our faith. Sometimes death and grief prompts us to ask the big question, “Am I trusting Jesus?” “Do I have sure and certain hope of resurrection from the dead.” If you have not yet put your trust in Christ and asked him to forgive your sin and come into your life, then I would encourage you to do that now.
Clinging to Christ
Earlier I talked about God as the one who is big enough to take on our questions. Christ is the one who can take on our fears and doubts to. Our choice is between holding tightly on to fears, doubts and questions or to hold tightly to Jesus. If your grip feels fragile, remember that he is the one who holds you tight and he has promised that he will not lose any of us out of his hands.
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When seeking to cling to Christ through grief songs and worship can be so helpful. Here are some that I’ve found helpful:
Phil Wickham – Hymn Of Heaven (Official Music Video) – YouTube
It Is Well With My Soul – YouTube
When We See Your Face • Prayers of the Saints Live – YouTube
Faithroots 