I’ve been sharing a few posts recently on pastoring people through seasons of grief.
We are just coming in to the second anniversary of what was a challenging time for our family. Today marks two years since my father in law died. A few weeks later my mum also died after going into hospital for routine surgery.
In many respects, both deaths were unexpected shocks. Though we perhaps should not have been completely unprepared. We knew Sarah’s dad was in poor health and he had even spoken to us about things like his funeral and practical arrangements earlier in the year. We shrugged it off as long term planning. So when we heard he had been I. Hospital overnight it didn’t particularly worry us, especially when he was discharged home. Getting the call later in the day to tell us that he had collapsed at home and resuscitation was happening was a brutal shock. We got the news that he had passed as we were driving to Kent.
Mum was different, we had a bit more time to prepare as there was a week and a bit post surgery when it was becoming clear that she wasn’t going to survive. Still we had been expecting her to be back at home. I’d planned to be in Bradford to help when she was back at home and we had Christmas plans all ready.
A lot of focus on grief is on the first few days and weeks. Then people think about the first year and those first anniversaries.
Fascinatingly, I’ve been reading a little recently online and seeing a number of people suggesting that the second year can be harder than the first. I think there are a couple of possible reasons for this. First, I think that just when dressings are removed or scabs come off that there is vulnerability where the protection was, so too as you move away from initial mourning, there is a sense in which you are doing less to protect the grief scars. For example, you may attempt to return to places that you associate with them, you start listening to songs again that you couldn’t bear to last year because you associated them with the person or their funeral. I don’t think it is a bad thing to experience those aspects of grief pain.
Secondly though, grief can feel more lonely as time progresses. Others have moved on, anniversaries don’t have the same associations. Time means they have collected their own joys and briefs.
Thirdly, your loved one seems further away. It’s harder to recall their voice and picture them, especially when your memory of them is a confusion of their younger days, later life and seeing them in the final days/hours.
Fourth, a lot of people talk about guilt and even shame because they feel like they shouldn’t still be grieving. It’s good to be reminded that grief doesn’t go away, it changes.
What does it mean to pastor people with their grief as time goes on. Well the good news is that in terms of longer term grief it is not so unusual. Most people have longer term memories of loss.
So, I think three things are helpful.
- Check in with people on big anniversaries for the first few years. Show that you remember too
- Watch out for those where the grieving seems unusual. Yes we all grieve in our own way but there may be signs that someone isn’t coping. This may indicate a longer term impact on emotional health.
- Big picture wise, keep teaching the whole church the big stuff that will prepare them for future suffering and help them through present grief. This means not shrinking away from the reality of sin and evil. It means seeing the good God brings through suffering and most of all it means continuing to point to the hope of resurrection.
Faithroots 