There aren’t many certainties in life, in fact it’s often said that the only three are birth, death and taxes. The middle of these means that at some point we are going to experience bereavement. What does it mean to grieve well? How can our faith sustain us through difficult days and how can we support one another. Recently, we’ve been through a double bereavement. In November we had an urgent phone call to tell us that my father in law had collapsed and paramedics were with him. We were told to “come but don’t rush.” I think we knew in our hearts that we weren’t going to make it in time and sadly a further call on route told us that Sarah’s dad had died. Then just a few weeks later, my mum was in hospital for an operation, sadly she didn’t recover afterwards, though this time we were able to be with her for her last days and hours.
So, I have been reading Brad Franklin’s book “When Sorrow like sea billows roll” not just theoretically but as someone coming through grief looking to see what it offers me pastorally. Brad writes as a pastor who has experienced grief. Three years ago, his wife Megan was in hospital with what they thought were migraines linked to her pregnancy, a week later she’d died as the result of what turned out to be a bacterial infection from a scrape to the knee. Any one who has been through that experience of sudden bad news and long days and nights by a hospital bed will instinctively empathise with Brad’s experience.
This book is essentially Brad’s story of what it is like to go through grief and bereavement, specifically in the context of being a pastor and a relatively young husband with children to care for. He divides the story up into three parts. First he describes that initial week, as he and his family said goofbye to Megan, then he writes about the days and weeks that followed. Finally he takes us to the longer tem and brings the story up to date. This is perhaps the most helpful aspect of the book. Hearing another person’s story about how they’ve faced grief can both help us to understand and care for others going through bereavement as well as consider how we too can face grief and suffering. What shines through are two things. First, Brad’s immovable trust in God’s sovereignty, though he helpfully and honestly describes how he can trust God with the big picture stuff but sometimes struggles to trust when it comes to the smaller, detailed things. Second, this is a story of how a church family, local and further afield wrapped themselves around a grieving family offering love and practical care.
Throughout the book, Brad also seeks to provide practical advice for others facing grief too. If I’m honest, this is a bit of a mixed bag. There are some very helpful tips particularly around drawing others in and allowing them to help, then there’s some useful discussion about how our own experience of suffering can help us to be an encouragement to others. Then, there’s a beautiful chapter on the place of music. Brad also takes time to talk about the importance of resolving things like conflict earlier in life, though this does leave questions about how we face, or help someone face unresolved conflict after death.
However, at the same time, I found that the pastoral advice side fell short. The problem is both that Brad’s pretty unique experience of losing his wife at a young age, whilst pastoring a church combined with his own particular experience means that I’m not sure that the advice always translates across contexts. Perhaps one of the most helpful things Brad has to say is that we all grieve differently and so this should guard us against judging others when they grieve.
The problem is that sometimes the book seems to forget that and end up a little prescriptive. For example, he begins with a chapter describing how he invited into every conversation with the doctors, whoever was present at that time. There is perhaps a general principle here about how it is wise to not allow yourself to become isolated but I’m not sure it would be helpful for every family to respond and act as Brad did, nor am I convinced that this would always be helpful for those drawn in.
The second examples is from when Brad talks about relying on God’s provision and sovereignty. He is certainly right to remind us of God’s faithfulness and goodness. Yet, his examples include how people in the church gave generously and that gifts from wider afield enabled his family to avoid financial troubles in the immediate aftermath. Yet, I was left wondering if this would have been the case if he hadn’t been prominent as the pastor in the church. Stories about how God, kind of miraculously provided financially are encouraging but as with stories of divine healing need a qualifier. It’s not always like that, in fact, it is not normally like that. You are unlikely to receive £50k in gifts to help you get through challenging days. Am I just as able to trust God’s provision when that is not seen in such obvious and tangible ways?
And then there’s the occasions when he talks about marriage and re-marrying. Now, I want to be clear that I get Brad’s point completely that we should not judge someone on the basis of whether or not they remarry and how soon. However, this part seems to arise primarily out of some of the kinds of misapprehensions I’ve been writing about recently concerning marriage and singleness. For example, Brad seems to take the view that marriage is the cure for general “burning with passion” rather than specific to one’s love for a specific person.
Stylistically, the book can be a bit disjointed at times due to it being a collection of reflections and there is a bit of a clumsy preachy rhetoric in places that would have benefited from some sensitive editing. Such editing may also have helped the author.to focus more on the more helpful autobiographical aspects of the book.
Additionally, I’m afraid I disagree with the endorsers. Yes the book may have lots of Biblical references but I’m not sure that this is the same as being saturated in Scripture. Part of the problem is that it feels like there is primarily one element of Scripture and doctrine at work, the emphasis on God’s sovereignty. This is a good and helpful emphasis but I, reading as one still with the rawness of grief would have appreciated something more of the intimacy and closeness of Christ for such days.
This means that I am not sure that the book is particularly helpful as a pastoral book to give those who are grieving or to ordinary church members wanting to walk alongside them. However, where we really benefit from Brad’s honest writing is the insight it gives us into one person’s experience of grief. To be reminded that pastors grieve too is certainly helpful and by hearing first hand one person’s experience, if we treat that wisely, it can be helpful for us to consider both how we grieve and for those of us who are pastors, how we walk with others who grieve. Therefore, I would recommend it to pastors and church leaders to read.
Faithroots 