I want to spend a bit of time here talking about how men and women should relate to one another in God’s family and I specifically want to put the focus on how men relate to women. Regular readers will know that I’m a complementarian. This means that I believe that men and women are made equal in nature but bring different roles and perspectives both to the family and the church. My aim here however is not to revisit the complementarian/egalitarian debate but to focus on the broader question of behaviour towards one another.
Here are some key Bible verses. In fact, my starting point is Galatians 3:26-28.
26 So in Christ Jesus you are all children of God through faith, 27 for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. 28 There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. 29 If you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham’s seed, and heirs according to the promise.
These verses emphasise that oneness, unity and equality of God’s family. The Gospel tears down barriers, divisions and hierarchies. In other words, God’s new creation includes a new humanity where all of God’s people regardless of race, class or gender reflect God’s image in Christ. We have become image bearers again, taking us back to Genesis 1:26-28.
Then God said, “Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness, so that they may rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the wild animals,[a] and over all the creatures that move along the ground.”
27 So God created mankind in his own image,
in the image of God he created them;
male and female he created them.
28 God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground.”
We are fellow image bearers, we are co-heirs in Christ. Women are valued by God as much as men. This feeds into Peter’s words to husbands
7 Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.[1]
These words come in the context of one of the Bible passages often used in complementarian teaching with the instructions at the start for wives to follow Sarah’s example by submitting to their husbands. Actually, I’m not convinced that this is the first place to go for teaching on marriage because the focus in those early verses is on wives with unbelieving husbands and how to respond even when their husband doesn’t keep their side of the bargain.
An additional sticking point for some will be the description of women as “weaker.” It is crucial therefore to understand what this is and isn’t saying. It is not suggesting that women are inferior than men, particularly when it comes to intellectual, moral or spiritual character. Rather, it is a description of physical strength. Generally speaking, men tend to be taller and carry more muscle mass than women. This does not mean that every woman will be smaller and less physically powerful than every man. The England women’s football team would run circles round many a men’s team outside of the Premier League but generally speaking men tend to be taller, heavier, stronger and that’s why we tend to have different categories for men and women in football, athletics and tennis.
The point of 1 Peter 3:7 is that a man must not abuse the extra height and strength to mistreat and exploit women. The specific reference is to his wife but there is I believe a broader principle. Rather, he is to show respect and consideration. He is to treat her as his equal and honour her as a fellow heir in Christ.
In other words, the starting point for how we treat one another in the church is that we are to relate as brothers and sisters. It is helpful then for men to think in those terms. How should I treat women in the church? Well, how would I want my blood sisters to be treated. You may also find it helpful to consider how you would want others to act towards your mother and grandmother when thinking about older women and how would you want them to treat your daughter when thinking about younger women.
So, here are some things for us to be thinking about in general terms. First, we can sometimes start with the negatives, how not to behave but I think we would do better to begin with the positives. We are to respect our sisters in Christ. This means:
- We should listen to them. We should be ready to hear God speak through them as they prophecy and share testimony. We should be ready to learn from their advice, to heed it and act on it.
- We should value them and the gifts that they bring. This means saying thank you for the different ways they serve. It means encouraging them.
- We should show an interest in their lives, we will want to know how their week has been. We will want to pray for them.
However, I think there are some things that men need to be challenged about and reminded of. Perhaps as you read this next bit you will be thinking “this should go without saying” but sadly my observation and the feedback from too many women means that it does.
- If we are treating women with respect as our sisters in Christ we will not objectify them sexually. We will guard our own hearts and minds. Incidentally, this means that excusing inappropriate thoughts by blaming women on what they wore is never acceptable. Objectification is about how we think, how we look, what we do and what we say.
- So, if it’s about what we do, then this means that we should not treat relationships as projects. That’s why I’ve been concerned about a rather worrying trend in some Christian circles to suggest that the duty of every man is to find himself a wife and of every woman to be available for marriage. Often this comes with the suggestion that marriage is the (only) cure for lust.
- If it’s about what we say, then this means taking seriously what Scripture says about there being no place for unwholesome/crude talk. It means you don’t rate women, don’t talk in a demeaning way to them or about them. I include in this negative joking from husbands about their wives. We should speak with honour to and about our sisters in Christ.
Those are some general points but perhaps too, if we are serious about respecting women by listening to them, we would do well to hear women in the church speaking about their experience of church life as well as the world and neighbourhood in which they live. Sometimes we can be oblivious to what it means. For example, I found it shocking to hear from women how intimidating it was to go out for exercise during the pandemic lockdowns because it meant be catcalled, wolf whistled and propositioned. Even in a few cases having men in cars and vans pull up alongside them. We should be grieved by the stories we hear, more so when they happen in church. We will want to hear from them about what they find helpful and what makes it positive and enjoyable to be part of God’s family too.
[1] 1 Peter 3:7.
Faithroots 