In my previous article, I suggested that we should be cautious about attempting to be over prescriptive about what it means to practically apply Ephesians 5:21-32. I’m convinced that rather than looking at each aspect individually to see if wives are submitting, husbands are being good heads etc that we do best to look at the marriage holistically. It’s a bit like how your car is doing. You will have a general view of how the car is doing, if it is running efficiently, comfortable etc or not. It’s only when you specifically note that there is a problem that you go under the bonnet and attempt root cause analysis to identify the primary problem. Similarly, I would as a rule of thumb be asking about the marriage as a whole. Is it characterised by loving unity that glorifies Christ.
I’ve developed a kind of checklist below that helps you look holistically at your marriage. It’s only if there is evidence of significant problems that I’d start to go into specific aspects of Ephesians 5.
The checklist involves working through a set of statements and seeking to complete them. What I encourage you to do is to look at them individually at first and jot down how you would complete the statement (for those that apply to both of you or just you). Then, sit down together with your spouse and talk through your answers.
You will notice that in the questions, I don’t ask “are there any situations where” either for a positive response or a negative. I assume that each of us will have an example for each statement. There will be things that demonstrate love in action and point us to Christ and the Gospel but there will be also things that fail to demonstrate and distract/point away. This is because we are at the same time sinners and saints. We are saved and the Hoyl Spirit is at work in our lives to sanctify us but we are not yet perfect.
Checklist
- Our marriage enables us to serve the Gospel and fulfil the Great Commission by ….
- The way that we relate to one another as husband and wife helps point us and others to Christ and his love for the church when ….
- Sometimes our relationship distracts us and others from Christ’s love for the church and gives a poor representation of it. This happens when …..
- I (wife) know that I am loved by my husband when …..
- I (wife) do not feel loved by my husband when ….
- I (wife) show my husband that I am letting him love me when ….
- I (husband) love my wife by ….
- I (husband) know that my wife is allowing me to love her when …..
- I (husband) do not think that my wife is allowing me to love her when ….
- The three biggest decisions we need to make over the next six months are ….
- As her husband, I will sacrificially love my wife in these decisions by ….
- As his wife, I will submit to my husband as to the Lord in these decisions by …..
To talk through together
- Is there anything that you wrote down that surprised yourself?
- Is there anything that your spouse wrote down that surprised you?
- Do you think that your spouse hears/understands the answers you have given -both positive and negative
- Is there anything you need to change in response to what you’ve heard from each other?
- Do you think that someone looking in on your marriage that you trust and knows you well would agree with your answers?
- Is there anything you would benefit from talking through with someone else?
Faithroots 