In Ephesians 5:22-32 Paul instructs:
Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord … Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her”
In a previous article, I argued that this was a fleshing out of 5:21 and the instruction to “submit to one another.” In other words, wives submit to their husbands but also there is a sense in which husbands submit to their wives, not in an identical manner but if they are to love their wives in the same way Jesus loves his church, then that is a sacrificial love which means putting her needs first to the extent that you are willing to die for her.
How do we practically apply Ephesians 5:22-32? What does it look like for a wife to submit, a husband to be her head and for him to love her like Christ loved the church?
Well, before we get into the nuts and bolts of such practicalities, it is worth noting a couple of things. First, that whilst Paul says that the husband is her wife’s head, he does not command him to “be her head.” This may surprise us. At no point, does Paul tell men that they must assert and enforce that role. He simply states that it is the case. The purpose there is to give wives an understanding of why and how they are to submit to their husbands. They are to “submit …as you do to the Lord.” In other words, they are to relate to their husbands in marriage terms in a similar manner to the way in which they relate to Jesus in church terms. This is because the husband fulfils the same role in relation to marriage as Christ does in relation to the church.
This is important because it means that the nature of the relationship is not based on ontological differences between husbands and wives. It’s not that there is anything different in their nature. There is nothing that makes men particularly worthy of status, honour and respect. Indeed, notice the emphasis on “your own husband.” This is itself protective and honouring to women. Men, in society and in the church do not have a generic status over women requiring their subservience. A man in the church speaks to and listens to a woman, in conversation, as an equal, as their brother in Christ.
This also is the reason why I think that the view that has circulated in some circles, that women cannot hold certain jobs or positions in society is wrong. Women today hold senior positions in industry, government, business and other professions. This is a good thing and is in line with Scripture. Indeed, the specific image of wives as being restricted to raising children and keeping the home is not the uniform historical, traditional expectation often assumed. That particular view of marriage and family life owes more to a certain idealised view from a specific time (the 1950s) and place (the Southern States).
At the same time, we cannot ignore the reality of headship in marriage, even if this seems to go against modern society. People have attempted to explain the word away to suggest that it means nothing more than that the husband is “the source” of his wife. I’m not sure that this definition actually helps much or tells us much. Given that the husband’s headship is introduced in comparison to Christ’s headship of the church, we must recognise that this does carry a sense of authority.
Actually, the point about “authority” is that it isn’t automatically about power and hierarchy although Christ is pre-eminent over the church. Indeed, I would argue that it is his pre-eminence through nature that shapes his headship/authority. In reality we all carry authority, sometimes it is about hierarchy but often it is about our role in a process and what we are authorised to do. What is a husband’s headship authority? Well, it is to provide and to protect his family, to spiritually direct the family so that it works together in unity for the good of the Gospel and to enable God’s Creation commands (to fill and subdue the earth) to be fulfilled.
Secondly, the way that Paul’s argument builds is to the conclusion that “the two will become one flesh” (v31) and indeed, he then observes that this “mystery” is about Christ and the Church, Christ has united us with himself, so that we are in him and receive all of the benefits and blessings of that. The implication then is this, that the goal of submission, headship and sacrificial love is that a husband and wife will be united together becoming one. There should be a unity of will and purpose.
So, rather than looking to see whether or not a wife matches a checklist of what we consider submission or a husband is meeting a similar checklist for headship/Biblical manhood, we do better to look and see whether there is a unity in their marriage. Do they share a common purpose and are they together in how they are seeking to live their lives. Specifically, that common purpose should be to glorify Christ. Their marriage should point to the Gospel.
This leads to my third point, as I’ve said previously, the instruction could be summed up as “husbands love your wives. Wives let them.” This then is the answer to the question “what does it practically look like?” It looks like love. The first thing that you should be able to answer about your marriage is this “is love evident”.
Beyond that, I don’t want to go too far in offering detailed instructions on how to practically apply this. I think a friend of mine best sums it up, that if there is mutual submission, then we will prefer the other’s needs. This means a “lose-lose” attitude in order for there to be a win-win. The details of how you make decisions and who does what will depend on your circumstances and context.
Faithroots 