An important part of looking after people through grieving is the funeral which offers some form of closure. Although it is not the end of grieving, it does provide a marker, enabling the bereaved to move on with the next phase of their life. There isn’t really a right or wrong way to hold a funeral but here are some things to think through with the family.
The first question is about where and when. Some things will be predetermined, for example, how soon you can hold the funeral will depend on how long it takes for the body to be released and how busy funeral directors, the crematorium or cemetery are. It also seems to vary geographically. In some places it is usually possible to hold a funeral within a week or two of death and in others it can take several weeks.
However, there is usually a level of flexibility on terms of day and time. You will want to consider what type of committal is desired, cremation or burial. Whilst it is normal practice to have a burial committal following in from the main funeral service, there is no set order. Some people find it helpful to have a short committal service followed by a larger/longer thanks giving service either later that day or in a different day.
Others prefer to have just a simple service of committal either at the crematorium or cemetery. Time is tightly controlled at the Crematorium and it is important not to overrun in order to avoid being billed for a second time slot.
If you are planning to hold a church funeral service prior to the committal allow plenty of time to enable mourners to move from the service to the graveside. It is important that those grieving do not feel rushed both because of the emotional and physical impact of the day.
I have found it helpful to have a simple structure available to guide planning with plenty of flexibility in place. It can be helpful to make use of liturgy to this effect.
I would usually plan to include the following
- Words of comfort. These are a few select Bible verses pointing to the hope and comfort we have in Christ. These can be read as the coffin is brought in, though sometimes I have found it helpful to wait until the coffin is in place and everyone at their seats. These are powerful words of Scripture and we don’t want them to be missed.
- I would then welcome everyone, explain what is going to happen and pray, thinking God for the deceased person. And praying for family and key friends by name.
- Some songs/hymns if the funeral is for a believer and if most people attending will be Christians and familiar with the songs.
- Possibly some music or poetry to listen to which would be significant to the deceased and their loved ones
- A Bible reading chosen by you in consultation with the family.
- Opportunity for people to bring personal tributes and memories
- A talk. Did you know that lengthy eulogies were not traditionally part of funeral services whereas a sermon was expected? Nowadays the reverse is expected. I tend to use this time to give a more structured eulogy outlining key details of the person’s life but also to draw on the Scripture reading to point the congregation to certain hope in the Gospel. I believe that the Gospel can be gently applied here. We should not make heavy work of this. If the person has been a faithful witness then they have already done a lot of the heavy lifting with their life! If they were not then you may be fighting a lost cause at this stage.
- Opportunity for silent reflection.
- A blessing
- At the committal, the liturgical words are powerfully effective. We pronounce that we commit our brother/ sister by name to the ground/elements in sure and certain hope of the resurrection. I tend to stick fairly close to this. Although there are alternative words for unbelievers, I am personally inclined to stick with “sure and certain hope” because our committal and hope are not subjectively in reference to that specific person but as a sign of our own hope in the fact of resurrection.
- I would also give space for a prayer and perhaps even a song. In some cultures there may be extended singing and prayer at the graveside and whilst it is normal in an English funeral to symbolically scatter some soil before the grave is filled in later, it is expected in some cultures that the family and church/community elders will fill in the grave.
As I said, I would be flexible around this basic structure. Whilst time is limited at a Crematorium, you can also be flexible about how much time you want to allow in your own building.
In your conversations with the family, consider how the funeral will both best reflect any wishes the deceased had but also remember that the funeral is for the benefit of those present now. Incidentally, whilst some Christians have chosen their own funeral hymns, I’m more mindful to let my family choose the songs for my funeral given I won’t be around to hear them. We might do better allowing one another the freedom to choose the songs we would like to sing!
You will also want to talk about things like dress code and to think about things like whether they want attendees to contribute flowers or to make donations to a chosen charity. I also have made it my policy not to charge a fee for funerals. It is important to make this clear both to the funeral director and the family to make sure that none snuggles in a hidden charge.
There are some things you may want to think through theologically so you are not caught on the hop and we may come to them in future articles.
Faithroots 