If you’ve followed the Bethel story over the past few weeks, then you’ll be aware of an aspect of the culture that has caused problems. Interns at the church are from time to time allocated spiritual fathers. It’s in this context that at a minimum, boundaries have been blurred, crossed and potentially worse.
This came up in one of our life group discussions recently. At first, people expressed deep discomfort with the idea. It didn’t sit right. However, then they asked “but what if a person for specific reasons has missed out or lost the model of healthy fatherhood in their lives?” Then we talked about how we sometimes describe the need for “mothers and fathers in the church” as it functions like an extended household. Elders seem to follow the pattern of fathers. And didn’t the apostle Paul compare his relationship with Timothy to father and son? So, I thought it might be worth spending a little bit of time unpicking and unpacking this.
First of all, a few observations about Paul and Timothy. It is worth noting that the image here ois of father to son. At a basic, practical level, I think that it is right to ask why the focus seems to have been on spiritual fathers for daughters. What about fathers and sons? What about mothers and daughters? Secondly, observe that before Paul tells us that Timothy is like a son to him, he gives us a big clue by telling us what kind of father he is. He writes to the church at Corinth and tells them that he is their spiritual father before he sends Timothy to them.
“15 For you can have 10,000 instructors in Christ, but you can’t have many fathers. For I became your father in Christ Jesus through the gospel. 16 Therefore I urge you to imitate me. 17 This is why I have sent Timothy to you. He is my dearly loved and faithful son in the Lord. He will remind you about my ways in Christ Jesus, just as I teach everywhere in every church.
The point of father-son relationship is the Gospel. These are people who he has worked to see come to faith and grow in maturity in Christ. We might also observe that in the Torah, fathers were to teach God’s law to their children. Then in John 5, we have the example of the Father and the Son, where they do the same work and the Son does what the father shows him. Timothy seems to be an example of a son trained and authorised in the family business, preaching the Gospel and teaching God’s people.
When we talk about fathers in the church, we are using the image of a household to see the role that elders have for shepherding the flock. We are not talking about some kind of pseudo-psychological/therapeutic relationship. So, if we are going to use the image (and I’m happy to), let’s not make it any more than what is intended. We have a responsibility to teach and shepherd a church and that’s what spiritual fatherhood is about. It should not indicate any selection of favourites.
Now, I recognise that there will be people in the church who feel the loss or absence of a parent. It may be that there are gaps in their upbringing and nurture because of this. I do have confidence in the ability of the Lord, through the work of the Holy Spirit and body ministry to repair those things. Ultimately we want people to come to the true and better father. There can be a benefit to for younger adults in their 20s to have healthy relationships with older Christians. A couple of brief bits of advice though. First, look for male to male, female to female relationships in terms of one to one. Secondly look at how husbands and wife’s together can care for others. Thirdly, be aware of the language you use. You don’t need to give things fancy names. Remember, especially that if you have children that how you talk about your relationship to others has an impact on them. Do they want other people calling you “dad and mum”? And if you don’t have children, be careful that these people don’t become surrogates for what you are missing out on. Yes, to be sure, it is incredible to see how God can use people who haven’t had children to act like parents and yes, that will be ultimately a blessing but let the blessing be known in hindsight rather than allowing co-dependency to form. Fourthly, don’t infantilise or allow regression to adolescence. Treat them as the people they are now, at the stage in life they are now. They are adults with an adult relationship to you.[1]
Now to be honest, I think that most relationships in the Church are really about brothers and sisters, even if some brothers and sisters are much older. In terms of spiritual fathers and mothers, we do well to sticking to the work of discipleship. Better to introduce people to the only good Father.
[1] Note that people who have experienced trauma through neglect and abuse in childhood may well have “building blocks” in their nurture missing. As I said, those blocks can be replaced but there is a whole lot of expertise and training that goes into that kind of therapeutic relationship.
Faithroots 